This job search is consuming most of my thoughts and time. On Monday, I give my final presentation, and I'm excited. I'm also hoping that I don't just check out of school afterward with the focus I am having on the job search and the anxiety I am feeling. I really don't like the feeling of not having control over where my life is going, and not knowing where I'm going to be living 6 months from now does not help. I can't re-sign the lease on my apartment because I don't want to put myself in a financial bind, which means I'll be moving no matter what happens. On one hand, it's okay because I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in the apartment I am in right now, anyway. On the other hand, it means I may be scrambling to find a place to live come May-July. You know, depending on what happens. It's driving me to be not incredibly happy in general, and I'm trying to work against it by doing things that make me happy and being as organized as possible.
The job search is also making me feel inadequate. I know I've had very valuable experiences and I am good at a great many things, but when I look at my accomplishments, I can't help but compare and criticize myself for not doing enough in lieu of taking care of myself and my relationship. I was talking to a friend last night about what I would do if I could go back in time, and I decided I would go back to my 18 year-old self and say "Start learning to love yourself now, because it isn't always easy." And that has been true for me for a long time, and it makes me sad to think about. At what point did I stop loving myself despite my perceived flaws or shortcomings? How much more could I really do and be happy? Sometimes I feel like it is a catch-22--I feel unhappy because I don't do enough and wonder how much more I could do to be happy with myself. It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I'm really just getting in my own way.
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