Life decisions

I made a decision this weekend that I am staying here regardless of what happens.  As I was working with one of my co-workers to talk about values and weigh them.  Staying here right now is more important to me than moving somewhere for a job that will pay me approximately the same amount as some jobs I could get around here.  I can continue to look at ISU and DMACC and some other places close enough to commute.  I'll see what happens.  It took me a long time to come tho that conclusion.  Now, as I look for apartments in Ames, I am a little calmer because I made a decision.  As I was reading through some of the chapters about the first professional position, and making the transition back to get a Ph.D., I did not feel worried or sad that I wasn't pursuing moving somewhere for a position right away, because I think I'm making the right decision for me for right now.  I'm just hoping I can get through these last couple of weeks and figure out where I'll be living come August.

Transitions

This past week was an incredibly uneventful one in comparison to others this semester.  On Monday I turned in my College Teaching portfolio, so I knocked one other thing out that I needed to do to be finished.  I think that's pretty much where the excitement ended; everything else was very mundane.  I heard no news (except for bad news) about jobs, and applied for a couple more.  I organized what the last things I need to do for my classes yet.

I was thinking a lot about transitions.  While I do not know what is going to happen in the next month, I know that I have another couple of friends who are going to be making really big changes, as well.  This couple of my friends are graduating with their Ph.D. and Masters and moving to Colorado Springs where my friend got a position as an assistant professor.  I am very excited for her (and them in general), but am incredibly jealous.  She has it figured all figured out.  I don't think she feels that way, necessarily, as there are still many things to do before the move and her partner does  not yet have a job lined up as of yet, either.  Beyond that, it still has to be scary, even if she does have a job lined up; transitions are just scary in general.  What will life be like without taking classes?  Will it be easy or difficult to make friends?  I have always thought it was not too difficult to make friends, but it is not easy to make good friends.  When you come to college, most people are looking to make friends, but as you get older, people have their friend groups and it is more difficult to move into a group.  The only people who have been integrated into my social circle recently are people who have started dating friends, and even then it is difficult to bring that person in.  I think my point is that if I know my group of friends, who I feel are very social, extroverted people for the most part have difficulty bringing new people into the group, what does this mean for the transitions we are all about to make?  Sure, I'll get along with people, but will I make friends like the ones I have now?

The closer I get to graduation, the more aspects of this transition I'm about to make come to light.  I'm just not really sure what to expect for myself.  I guess I'll see what happens.

ACPA!

Lots of things happened since my last blog post.  Nothing that has been especially life-changing, but I have definitely been keeping busy.  I am currently waiting to hear back about a lot of interview at ACPA. I did 6 interviews while there, and it was pretty exhausting.  People always would say to me to make sure that I keep in mind how good of a fit the school would be for me while in the interview, and that I am interviewing them as much as they are interviewing me.  I never thought all of that was bogus, but it never really hit me how true that is until now.   None of my interviews were particularly bad (from where I was sitting, anyway; I imagine the people interviewing me could have a differing opinion), but there was definitely one or two interviews that I left thinking that maybe that place isn't for me.  However, all of the other places were schools that I could really see myself.  I don't want to put too many details here, but hopefully something comes of my time spent there.

Other than that, I went to a few sessions.  I tried to vary the kinds of sessions that I went to because I do not know where I am going to be a month from now.  One of the sessions I went to really got me thinking.  There was a session I went to on having senior year experience classes for graduating seniors as a requirement.  This was something that I had never thought of before as explicitly as it was laid out in the session.  I have talked about how we are preparing people for the "real world" after graduation, but not really in terms of how to buy a car, how to rent an apartment, and how to pay your bills on time.  When I really thought about it, none of those things were really anything I had experience with until grad school.  Sure, I paid some bills, but I didn't buy a car or lease an apartment until grad school, and when I did do those things, I was really scared because no one ever talks about that--they're things people... just do.  The major problem we discussed in the session was figuring out whose responsibility it would be on campus to develop something like that.   Even now, I am struggling to think of who would take something like that one.  It is also really tough when you think about someone even wanting to take it on unless they got more people and money for it.

As I said, lots of things happened in the last week, and I learned a lot.  Hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer to hear something back!

Learnings

So far this semester, I have learned a lot about myself through this job hunting process.  While it is not going as quickly or as smoothly as I would have liked, I am learning a lot about how I deal with the uncertainty and stress.  On one hand, I like to regain as much control as I possibly can by planning out "what ifs" for as many situations as possible.  On the other hand, I stress out about this to the point that I cannot really live in the moment.  I am working on being able to accept that I will not always have control over it, but the uncertainty is really getting to me as of right now.  As with anyone else, there is so much other stuff going on in my life that is creating a lot more uncertainty, as well.  I got really comfortable in the last year and a half with how things were, and now that is most likely going to be wildly different in the upcoming months, and I don't like that.  I do like the impending change--I am really looking forward to beginning my career and even potentially moving somewhere brand new, but I want it to be somewhat under my control, and it's not.  I am trying to change how much I check my email or my job applications, because it is getting in the way of doing other things, and is just unproductive and creating more stress for me.  Other than that, I'm just trying to remain healthy and manage my stress through working out and taking plenty of time out for myself (maybe sometimes too much?).

Reflecting on the Week of Conferences

I posted earlier in the week about multicultural competence and language.  There is a lot more that I got out of this week than that, however.  I learned a lot about sexual violence as it is in different countries and the challenges that people in other countries face and how it differs from the US.  For instance, I was in a session put on by the Rwanda Women's Network and their Polyclinic of Hope.  They use a holistic approach, using medical care, therapy, group dialogue, theatre, and community work to help with the healing process of people who face domestic violence.  I thought learning about the community focus was very great to hear about.  The efforts in Rwanda were much newer than in the U.S. because of the recent genocide, and the Rwanda Women's Network was started in 1994, whereas many of the modern shelters in the U.S. opened in the 1960s and 1970s.

It is really easy to get caught up thinking about things only from the perspective of being in the U.S.  It was truly an eye-opener.  There were many other sessions that opened my eyes to how places all over the world face the same challenges but in very different ways.  I had renewed interest in doing the work I previously had been with women's shelters (or to volunteer again when I have time).

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In other unrelated news, I have a phone interview with a company called Epic for a corporate trainer position.  Epic is a company that is a leader in the world for healthcare software systems.  I would potentially train employees and clients on the software applications.  My phone interview is on Wednesday, and if I am chosen to move forward in the process, I would do a skills assessment and on-campus interview.  Healthcare has always been an interest of mine, and being able to combine my teaching skills with my interest in healthcare would be another really great thing for me to do.  Plus, the company seems really great to work for, and I was very interested in working for them before I pursued higher education.  However, it would be in Wisconsin, which was not one of the places I had hoped to move after graduation.

It does seem like a stark contrast to what I was previously talking about with working with women's shelters, but in many ways I think I just want to educate others about things I care about, such as sexual violence, health, and technology.  While the corporate trainer position would not allow me to educate on sexual violence, I would be able to do other things I care about.  We'll see what happens.

Multicultural competence and student affairs

I am at the 2nd World Conference of Women's Shelters currently, and there are 92 countries represented here. It is amazing to see this kind of diversity, and it is something I have never been exposed to in such an extreme way. I was thinking about the fact that the conference has an official language of English. I have been amazed, though I know that many countries learn English as a secondary language. I've thought about all of the times I have heard students complain about their tutors and requesting a native English speaker because they can't understand their tutor. Some people defend these students because they shouldn't have to work so hard to understand when they are obviously already having difficulty with the class. I disagree. This inability to learn how to understand others' accents when they took the time to learn another language is absolutely ridiculous. I was thinking about the fact that I only understand very little Spanish and cannot speak it. I can read some and understand very little spoken word. I need to learn Spanish, and I know this. I want to, because I think it is ridiculous that we are so arrogant as Americans to expect everyone in the world to know English.

How will this attitude impact my work as a student affairs professional? Well, I was thinking about how I would feel if people made fun of my accent or were unwilling to work with me if I went to another country to live, if only for a little bit. It didn't feel good. After graduation, I'm going to make an effort to try to learn at least Spanish. I am still doing a lot of thinking about this, but being here and listening to people speak and understanding has made me think the world is so small now.

Wow!

I have to say that I cannot believe that I am done with presenting my capstone now.  It seems really early. I'm very glad to be done with presenting, but am going to have to make sure that I do not check out of the classes that I am in now and keep going!

I made the decision at the end of last week to go to ACPA.  It was a difficult decision for me, because I am so paranoid about not getting a job.  I had to then join ACPA and pay for the registration.  I am going to hopefully get some interviews through that, but I am not holding my breath that anything will be incredibly fruitful.  Hopefully, however, I have a good time, learn some things, and interview a few places.  I had a very difficult time justifying spending that large amount of money when I could save it in case I don't find a job before graduation.  Ultimately, however, I thought I should go for the experience.

I'm really looking forward to going now.  For some reason, I'm feeling a little bit less anxiety.  For the past couple of weeks, I was not the most pleasant person in the world to be around.  Hopefully things will turn around!

If I Could Go Back in Time

This job search is consuming most of my thoughts and time.  On Monday, I give my final presentation, and I'm excited.  I'm also hoping that I don't just check out of school afterward with the focus I am having on the job search and the anxiety I am feeling.  I really don't like the feeling of not having control over where my life is going, and not knowing where I'm going to be living 6 months from now does not help.  I can't re-sign the lease on my apartment because I don't want to put myself in a financial bind, which means I'll be moving no matter what happens.  On one hand, it's okay because I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in the apartment I am in right now, anyway.  On the other hand, it means I may be scrambling to find a place to live come May-July.  You know, depending on what happens.  It's driving me to be not incredibly happy in general, and I'm trying to work against it by doing things that make me happy and being as organized as possible.

The job search is also making me feel inadequate.  I know I've had very valuable experiences and I am good at a great many things, but when I look at my accomplishments, I can't help but compare and criticize myself for not doing enough in lieu of taking care of myself and my relationship.  I was talking to a friend last night about what I would do if I could go back in time, and I decided I would go back to my 18 year-old self and say "Start learning to love yourself now, because it isn't always easy."  And that has been true for me for a long time, and it makes me sad to think about.  At what point did I stop loving myself despite my perceived flaws or shortcomings?  How much more could I really do and be happy?  Sometimes I feel like it is a catch-22--I feel unhappy because I don't do enough and wonder how much more I could do to be happy with myself.  It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately.  I'm really just getting in my own way.

Job interviews... lacking motivation

I had an interview this morning with the Dept. of Residence at ISU for a Hall Director position.  They don't actually know if they're going to have any positions available, and my interview is 3 weeks before they are going to OPE at the beginning of March to interview a bunch of other people.  I feel like the deck is stacked against me on this one.  I am doing a practicum right now is one of the residence halls on campus, and I feel like it is going well.  That is the extent of my residence life experience, beyond living in the residence halls and university apartments all during my undergraduate career.  So, what was the first question?  Describe my residence life experience.  I don't think I fumbled, but that was not what I was prepared to ask.  Why do I *want* to work in residence life was a question I was prepared to ask.  I don't have that experience, and that's why I'm trying to get it.  I think I have a lot of transferable skills.  Beyond that, they only asked 4-5 questions total, which, if I'd known that, I would have talked more during my answers to be able to talk about the experiences I knew I wanted to talk about.  I don't feel like it was bad or that I didn't do well at all, but I also don't feel like it was awesome.  I feel pretty blah about it.  That's not a great way to feel.  

I am really excited about potentially getting the job, because I think it would be an excellent experience that I want to have, at the place I want to be, but I don't know if that is going to happen.  And now, I don't really feel like I have the motivation to keep applying and keep applying, which isn't good at the beginning of February.  I will just continue to reflect on the conversation we had during the interview and try to come up with something to take away from it.

Learning Patience

I have been applying for job after job, and am just waiting and waiting for anyone to get back at me.  I have not gotten any rejections lately, but am still playing the waiting game for every job I have applied for.  It is interesting to me how long the processes take in higher education to hire someone.  I was also amazed last semester at how long it took our office to actually hire somebody in the Academic Success Center after the job posting.  The posting was up for at least two weeks, and then the week before fall break, we applied four people.  No one was offered the job until after school began for the spring semester.  I am looking at other jobs, as well, outside of higher education, as I would like to work in training and education for companies.  Those jobs, however, would move a little faster and I need to work on my resume for jobs outside of higher education.  It feels very confusing to me that I spent all of this time, energy, and money and am not necessarily completely committed to working at a college.  It is important to me, but I suppose as long as I am working with people in a similar capacity.

This job search is forcing me to become more patient and focus more on the present.  There is so much about job searching that is out of my control, which really bothers me.  I am having to learn how to focus more on what is under my control, which is focusing on my school work and working on myself.  I've spent a lot of time this semester already on trying to be more organized and working out and being generally healthier.  Hopefully I can keep up the healthfulness after graduation.  Something tells me it may even be a little bit easier without all the homework!

Making it through.

I feel, at this point, like I am struggling to get things done.  It is the third week of school, so I don't think that it's good that I am so overwhelmed by everything.  I wanted my last semester to be enjoyable, applying for jobs at my leisure (sort of) and having plenty of time to do my schoolwork and being involved.  Turns out, my work is piling up.  I'm trying to keep up, but it's tough.  For example, on Sunday, I worked for 9 hours straight and still didn't get enough done, but I was too tired to continue.  I hope this is harder than having a job, because I'm not sure I could keep it up for that long.

While I am overwhelmed, I have been very organized and I do enjoy my classes.  I am having to reflect a lot (of course) on my experiences and what all of them have meant to me.  I am so looking forward to moving on in a few months and finally starting my career, I just hope that my anxiety about finding a job doesn't get in the way of enjoying my classes and getting the most out of them.

I have been applying for at least a job every week at this point.  Hopefully more jobs around Ames will start springing up so I can stay around here for a while.  Things are getting increasingly complicated for me (which leads to more stress), and I'd really like to be able to stick around for a while.

Attitudes Toward Sexual Violence and Student Affairs Work

Please read The Huffington Post's recent article on the FBI changing their archaic definition of rape.

This article is so important to me because sexual violence prevention is so important to me, and I am so glad that there seems to be so much more media coverage of the language we use in society and how we are defining sexual violence.  However, I do think that I also have to consider the source.  I think The Huffington Post is pretty widely known for being a liberal news source, so the people who need the information the most may not be getting it.  Victim-blaming attitudes and a lack of understanding of the complexities of sexual violence are pretty wide-spread, however, so I still think it is incredibly useful.

Why is this important knowledge to have in student affairs?  Well, because student affairs professionals, I think, should have a broad base of knowledge of the challenges that students may face during their time in college.  As the article says, there is much recent research that shows that 20% of women will be sexually victimized in their lifetime.  Many of those young women (or men) may be college students we are working with.  How do we respond as student affairs professionals when a student confides in us?  While it is important to refer students to the appropriate resources on or off campus, I think that may sometimes seem to students that you--the person they confided in-- does not know how to support them in that situation by affirming their feelings or knowing what might be the wrong thing to say.  As a student affairs professional they trust, you may be the first person to which they divulge this very sensitive information, and saying the wrong thing (such as a victim-blaming comment/question) may make them unlikely to get the help they need from the resources you refer them to.  Of course, I think it is hard to know in every situation what will be exactly the right thing to say to that student, but it is important to have an idea.

In my final semester of graduate school (or after, but hopefully it doesn't take that long to find a job!), I am hoping to find a job that I can educate students on the impact of sexual violence on college campuses and how to prevent sexual violence through education and programming, which really calls for attitude change that will ultimately (hopefully) create a cultural shift in attitude.

I know that the jobs that would allow me to do this are not numerous, but I do think that even if I do not get a job doing work with sexual violence prevention and education right away, I still may work with students who need support after experiencing sexual violence.  There are many other topics that are also sensitive when working with students, and I will be constantly striving to educate myself on those topics so I can best serve the students I am working with both now and in my future student affairs career.